Are you afraid you are not good enough?

You are not alone. It is believed that the majority of us worry at least at some point in our lives that we are not good enough - not good enough to take a job promotion, not good enough to be a mother, not good enough to be accepted into a university, not good enough to enrol in a dance class, not good enough to learn how to paint, not good enough to earn more money…

The truth is you are good enough. You may not be great when you first try something new, but you are worthy of trying. You may not succeed on your first attempt, but you are more than good enough to go for it. There may be a learning curve, but that is okay - it is normal and natural and means you are moving outside of your comfort zone and challenging yourself.

When the fear is too great 

Fear is our mind’s way of trying to protect us. When we perceive a danger, a chain reaction begins in our body - our heart rate quickens, our breathing becomes more rapid, blood is pumped to our muscles as we prepare to either fight the perceived danger or flee from it. This is brilliant when there is actually a danger that is going to cause us some sort of harm, such as an animal attack. However, we often have this reaction when we are not actually in physical danger, such as before giving a speech or taking an exam. Nerves can be good, but debilitating fear, when you avoid doing something because you fear it, is not. 

For years, I would do anything to avoid public speaking. Even the thought of it could make my pulse race and my palms become sweaty. I told myself I wasn’t entertaining enough to speak up. I told myself no-one would listen to what I had to say because I wasn’t experienced enough. I told myself I was boring and I’d be wasting everyone’s time if I said yes to doing it.

I did try to overcome the fear. I went to a presentation course in my mid-twenties and ended up leaving before the end. The trainer asked me to speak louder and I kept trying but the feelings of humiliation became stronger and stronger and the voice in my head tried to protect me by confirming I obviously wasn’t good enough and so should run away. So I did. 

I started to accept that I just wasn’t the sort of person that gave talks. I knew this would be career-limiting in the long term but at least in the short term I was safe. What I hadn’t appreciated was the knock on impacts to other areas of my life. You see, public speaking isn’t just about addressing a roomful of people, it is anytime you share an idea in a meeting, or want to express an opinion with a group of people, or generally want your voice to be heard.

It was only when a manager took me aside and asked why I wasn’t contributing in our team meetings that things came to a head. I explained I wasn’t going to speak for the sake of it. However, her counter-argument was I hadn’t said anything in the last 3 meetings - a fact I was sure wasn’t true, until it was brought to my attention and the reflection showed it was! Showing up wasn’t enough I had to contribute, I had to add value, otherwise what was the point of me being there? I am so grateful that she coached me so I could say something right at the beginning of the meeting to help avoid the dread building up as the meeting went on. She had faith that I deserved to be there, that I was good enough, but I needed to do my part to show everyone else this. 

From this revelation, I continue to push myself and not let the fear hold me back. It is still there every time I do I talk. I now thank it for trying to protect me, but say it isn’t required today. I am good enough to be speaking and I am excited for the opportunity. If I’m honest, this is still a ‘faking it before I make it’ moment, but it is much more resourceful than letting the fear take over, telling myself I’m not good enough and running away [again].

False Evidence Appearing Real

An acronym of fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. As Dr Jessamy Hibberd states in The Imposter Cure, “Thoughts are not facts”, yet we treat them as if they are. We tell ourselves we are not good enough and accept this as a fact. When this happens, useful questions to ask yourself are: Is there any evidence to support this view? Is there any evidence that contradicts this view?

As I’ve written about previously, an antidote I recommend when you feel you are not good enough is to write down everything you have achieved in your life - big or small, note it all down! Everything you can currently do, you once couldn't. You learnt, you changed, you improved. You have so much evidence of things you have achieved in your lifetime that you can easily prove you are a force of nature and totally unstoppable when you put your mind to something. You can then shed a tear of pride and joy for the True Evidence, Acknowledged and Real! 

Face Everything And Rise

Another acronym of fear which I’ve discovered recently, and love, is Face Everything And Rise. 

Not sure if you should take an opportunity? Imagine yourself 10 years in the future. What advice would you be giving to your younger self? Would you regret not doing it? Take the advice and go for it! You are a force to be reckoned with! I know it can be scary, especially when you are unsure at the moment of how to achieve something, but as the phenomenal Marie Forleo says “Everything is figureoutable!” Face into the fear and you will find a way.

Another thing to try is to write down the worse case scenario and then work out exactly what you would do if this should happen. Scared to take the promotion because you don’t feel good enough? What’s the worse that can happen? “They will realise I’m a fraud and sack me. I will then lose my home because I can’t pay for the mortgage. My marriage will break down as a result and I will lose all my friends. I will be homeless and smelly.” 

Okay, this is quite a bleak worse case scenario, but my first question is ‘how likely is this to actually happen?’. My second is ‘if it did happen, what could you do to turn things around?’ Answers from clients have included things as diverse as: I could sing and dance to earn some money; we could move back home with my parents until I have got a new job; I could start an apprenticeship and begin my career again in a different field; I would contact my network and am likely to get another job; we could sell up and go travelling for a few months. 

These may not work for you, but you are so resourceful you will be able to find ways to overcome even the worst things happening. 

Please don’t let fear hold you back. Go for your dreams and goals. Repeat after me: “I am good enough”!