Are you in an abusive relationship with yourself?

“I can’t believe you did that! You are such an idiot! I knew you weren’t ready to take on such a large project. You are so inexperienced, no wonder you got it so wrong! No-one will ever take you seriously again. Your career is in tatters and I’m not surprised - you are useless. Your colleagues are now all looking at you with pity and you know they’re talking about you behind your back. You are sh*t at your job and now everyone knows it!“

Woah! That is some hateful dialogue and reading this I know the advice I would give to the person receiving this abuse - they need to get away from this bully. It isn’t acceptable, it isn’t right and you deserve better.

But what happens when that voice is inside your own head? How do you break out of an abusive relationship, when the abuser is you? 

You might be reading this and feel this is too strong and that this is just what everyone does, or being self-critical keeps you motivated to achieve more, or will stop you becoming big headed. 

I want you to stop for a second and think about this: If it is not okay to say to someone else, it is not okay to say to yourself.

The relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship you have. You are with yourself all of the time - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 

Words have power. Be honest, if someone told you someone says things you are saying to yourself, what advice would you give them? Would you point out the other person was being unfair, that maybe they are a bully, that you should get away from the situation?

Self-critical thoughts are natural, but when they are constant they are dangerous. It can make you more susceptible to depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. What actually makes you feel better about yourself - words of kindness or words of criticism? 

Starting to become aware of your inner voice is important. It isn’t to judge or to further lament yourself but you can’t change something you are not aware of, so the first step is to create that awareness, to start to catch the words you are saying to yourself, and the tone you are using. 

I first became aware of my inner voice when I dropped a pen one day and I said to myself, with such venom, “You’re so stupid”. Once I was tuned into this inner voice, I caught myself saying this, A LOT, in many situations - from tripping on the pavement, to forgetting to call my parents one evening, to looking for my car keys that were in my hand.

What effect do you think this had on me?

In a world where you can be anything, especially when it comes to yourself, be kind!

In his great book, The Imposter Cure, Dr Jessamy Hibberd suggests the solution to self-criticism is compassion. Compassion isn’t about going easy on yourself, but if things go wrong, it is about being kind to yourself. If you are trying something new, it is okay to be scared, to not be perfect at it straight away. There is a learning curve, and this is normal. If you make a mistake, take responsibility for it. Remind yourself you are human and ask what you can learn from the situation? You can feel upset, or disappointed, or cross, with yourself, but allow this and then let it go. Ask how you can make it right and take these actions.  

What would you say to a child learning a new skill? This should be your inner voice’s compass for the compassion you are showing yourself!

If you have been bullied you may have internalised how others spoke to you and now continue with this as a way to speak to yourself. Unfortunately, we are all hard wired to more easily focus on negatives than positives. We need to spend time and effort on teaching ourselves a different way. We may have habitually learnt to believe the worst in ourselves, and tell ourselves this in our internal monologues. Changing a habit takes time. We need to approach this exercise with compassion to avoid us telling ourselves negative things when trying to make changes.

Just bringing awareness to my own inner critic, meant I reduced the amount of times I said “You’re stupid” - or when I did, I could ask “is that true?” and if it wasn’t to change what I’m saying into something positive. For example, “I’m not perfect but I am doing the best I can” or “I meet myself where I am now” or “I forgive myself” or “I love myself”. Using ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ is also important because it means I can associate into this; it is me, I’m not pointing a judgemental finger.

Do you feel different reading this? I know I feel different hearing this!

I encourage you to try the above and would love to hear the results you achieve by being as compassionate and kind to yourself as you are to others.