I want to be positive, but...
This is something I hear a lot in my coaching practice.
The ‘but’s’ include things like:
with everything that’s going on in the world it is difficult
I’m naturally a pessimistic/realistic person
when things don’t work out it feels even harder to deal with
my boss/family/life is so demanding
I’m concerned about money
it feels too difficult
it takes a lot of energy
Is this resonating with you at all?
I do believe in cultivating a positive mental attitude and think you can exercise choice over this. However, you need to find a way that doesn’t feel forced.
So here are some ideas to consider asking yourself that might help you to feel more positive, or choose to see the good in something:
Instead of forcing positivity, invite it into your life
Say to yourself “I have to see the positive in this situation”. Notice how it feels.
Now say to yourself “I would like to see the positive in this situation”. How does this feel?
The first is a demand on yourself and can create resistance, whereas the second is a request but there is no expectation that this will definitely happen - and the irony is that it is more likely to happen because you have reduced the internal friction by taking the pressure off.
Let go of needing to be positive all the time
Some situations are bad. Some days you feel bad. Trying to find the positive may seem impossible. And maybe in this situation, or at this time, it is. Maybe now is not the time to feel positive but to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling so you can then let this go (I use my stewing box technique to help with this).
Where has the expectation to be positive all the time come from? What if you introduced some conscious positivity into your day without needing it to be something you focus on in every situation? As an example, how would having a journal where you focus on 1 positive thing each morning, or note 3 positive things that happened during the day each evening, support you?
It links to the first point - you may have the desire to be positive, but it doesn’t mean you have to be - at least not all of the time!
Focus on what is within your control
The world can feel like an uncertain and sometimes scary place. People can be unpredictable, annoying and feel like they are deliberately getting in the way of you doing what you want to do or achieving what you want to achieve.
Ultimately, there is only ever one thing you can control and that is you. I’m not saying it is always easy, but you can choose what you say, how you show up, how you react, how you manage your state, what you do, how you do it. The same way others can choose what they will say, how they will show up, how they will react, how they will manage their state, what they will do and how they will do it.
I’m grateful I live in a place where I have the right to exercise my free will in this way. But I also need to accept that others can exercise their free will. I can control my side of things, I can prepare and influence as best I can, but I cannot control the outcome - what they will say or do.
But flipping this round, I am grateful that I have the free will to be able to say no to requests, or not do everything that is asked of me. This is the balance of the positive of both sides of free will. I can ask for what I want, but the other person is free to accept or decline that request. And that is okay. That is not within my control.
I can show up in a way that is aligned to who I am, I can react aligned to my values and can then still feel positive about the interaction and my part in this, even if I didn’t get the outcome I wanted - as the only part within my control is me, and if I do this well, I can feel good!
Try these ideas on for size. If something works for you, use it; if it doesn’t, lose it! You are unique, you are perfect as you are, and these are just some ideas to see if any work for you to develop in ways that you want to in becoming more positive.
