How to stop being a people pleaser with 4 simple ideas

I want to be liked and I hate when I feel that I have disappointed someone or let them down. Sound familiar? Doing things for others is not a bad thing, but when you are doing things that you might not want to be doing, or are coming at a cost to you, then you might be falling into the realms of people-pleasing, and this may not be such a good thing.

Here are 4 ideas that might help challenge your current thinking, put you back into control and help move you away from your people-pleasing tendencies:

1. People-pleasing hurts self-confidence

When you are only doing things because you want to please others, you are finding your worth through their approval rather than having your own sense of worth. Unless you internalise this external validation, the risk is that at the point the validation stops, your confidence will also stop.

When you care so deeply about what others think you often won’t try things you want to because you are worried others won’t approve. Mel Robbins’ definition of confidence is the willingness to try things. So, with this logic, if you don’t care what anyone else thinks, you are more likely to try things that please you, and by trying things your confidence grows!

When you are secure in who you are you can choose if you want to do something and if you decide not to, you have your own self-worth that isn’t connected to needing the acceptance and approval of someone else. When you develop confidence in yourself you know what is right for you and have self-worth in knowing that your needs are as important as someone else’s. There may be times you are happy to put someone else’s needs first, but there may be times you need to prioritise yourself, even if that priority is just that you don’t want to do the thing you are being asked to do.

I’m not saying you don’t ever do things for others, and that when you do, you won’t feel good about this, but it is choosing these things because you want to rather than feeling you have to because otherwise you will feel like a bad person. You can see your action or behaviour as separate from your identity. You can either choose to do XYZ or not, but this doesn’t mean you are a good / bad / cruel / uncaring / <insert your own negative identity trigger here> person. It means you are showing yourself that your needs are as important as theirs and if something isn’t going to be good for you, then it doesn’t mean you need to do it. It is about wanting to do good for others but not because you are wanting their acceptance but doing it because you want to do it - it is your choice rather than feeling like you are obliged to.

2. No is just another word

As someone who hates conflict, ‘no’ can feel like the hardest word to say. But, if I say ‘yes’ when I really mean ‘no’, then I am creating internal conflict and although this doesn’t seem as bad, in the long run, it means your confidence remains low as you haven’t prioritised yourself. 

Also, this conflict I fear is just my interpretation of the situation. I play out the scenario that by saying ‘no’ to a friend they will hate me, that they will never invite me to anything again, that they will tell everyone I’m an awful person. I catastrophise the situation but the reality may be different: maybe they won’t think anything of it, or maybe they will just ask someone else, or maybe they will be a bit disappointed but will get over it. Or maybe they will hate me and in a rational state of mind, the question then becomes do I really want to be friends with someone like that? With a sense of my own self-worth, the answer is a resounding no!

I know that it is often work scenarios that cause the anxiety around people-pleasing. For me, the internal spiel went something like: “If I say no they will never ask me to do anything again, I will get passed over for promotion, I will be seen as negative, it will affect my end of year rating.”

Unfortunately, I can’t say this wouldn’t be true in some situations, but having a sense of self-worth means you can say no in a constructive way - maybe it is something like:

• “I would love to, but I don’t have the capacity at the moment” (only say this if you really would like to and it is capacity that is holding you back though!)

• “This sounds like a great opportunity but isn’t aligned to my other objectives. Is there anybody else that could support you?”

• “You know I always want to give 100% and I don’t feel I would be able to do that at this time. I’d be happy to provide some names of others that may be able to support you?”
  

3. Time is finite

When you are saying yes to something you are saying no to spending that time on something else. When you say yes to working late on a particular task, you may be saying no to spending time with your family; when you say yes to organising the family picnic, you may be saying no to going out for drinks with your friends; when you say yes to meeting a friend for coffee, you may be saying no to reading your book. 

There isn’t a right or wrong but being cognisant that time is finite and that if you are agreeing to do something, it means that that time can’t be spent on something else can help you prioritise what you want to say yes to.

There may be times you say yes and it is for the other person’s good, but this will deepen a relationship but at a time that is right for you, not because it is your default to always say yes.

4. Saying no needs to be practiced 

There isn’t an easy solution if, like me, you are a [recovering] people pleaser. Like with any skill, practice is required to become good at this. Find a way of saying no that feels good to you and is truthful. Using the example above, if you say you’d love to but don’t have the capacity, someone may speak to your manager to free you up to work on it! Find some standard phrases and practice them out loud so they feel natural when you come to say them.

The reality is that people may be upset, but it is likely to only be for a short period of time - they will move on and so must you! Be kind to yourself and do what makes you happy and feel good. When that is helping others and it is aligned to what you want to be doing, that is great! You don’t need to become a martyr though and you have the right to say no when you want to.